Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
