Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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