Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
