And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
