If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
