Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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