too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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