Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Randomize
