i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
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