Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
