I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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