So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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