I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
