Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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