and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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