Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
