I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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