my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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