At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
