my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
