"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
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