Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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