So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
