It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Randomize
