My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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