Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
