how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
