I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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