my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize
