she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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