I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
