My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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