I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
