I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I think people are normalizing furries
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize