I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
