Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
there is glitter all over my balls
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