youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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