I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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