I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
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