Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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