I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
