Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
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We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
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Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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