I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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