You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
