Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
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