I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
