Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
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