dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
That was an excessively violent trivia night
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
