He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
