She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
