he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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