Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
