If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
