he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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