I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I'm like, not good at living.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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