You're completely useless in the revolution.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
