I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
