He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
