My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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