I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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