It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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