Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
