Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
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How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
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I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
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